The second project is this blog. Each time I finish a post I
have a deep feeling of satisfaction. I love taking the time to reflect, to
share, to remember. I love connecting the dots and seeing where God is working.
I love that writing makes me slow down. Appreciate the tender moments and
preserve them for the future. But, just like the pictures I get overwhelmed with
the mess. The mess of my thoughts. Where do I begin?
My mom and I have often laughed as we pray, “God don’t give
us anymore ideas!” Programs, parties, projects…the ideas just keep coming and I
know that God is in them, but there is something in me that is longing to stop
doing more and just sit and soak in what God has done. It may sound easy enough
to an outsider, but it’s never been easy for me to “just say no” to all of the
ideas that fill my mind. To all of the people that I want to encourage to help
to show that they matter.
Right now, I am directing a children’s Christmas program at
our church, again. I did it last year and it was crazy hard. No one asked me to
do it again. If I didn’t do it, it probably wouldn’t have happened and that
would have been just fine. Except, I love children’s Christmas programs. They are
a precious part of Christmas to me and so I create them wherever I go.
Like most of my big projects, I believe that God is in it at
the start and then about half way through I start to wonder if I am just
pushing my agenda and calling it God’s? I don’t know. Maybe. It certainly is a
lot of work, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t in it. It’s hard and frustrating
and time consuming. It takes time from my husband, my kids and it drains me,
but that doesn’t mean God isn’t in it.
Doing is good. God calls us to do. He doesn’t want us hiding
our lights under bushels or burying our treasure. But, every “yes” means “no”
to something else, usually many somethings and for me, right now too many
someones. Sometimes, I’m so busy loving on new people, that I don’t have the
time or energy for the people I already love and I want to have time for them. Especially
the four in my home. My “Jerusalem.”
I struggle to find balance in filling my time with
worthwhile things while they are all away from the house, but then having time
and energy for them while they are home. My job, managing the Ambassador’s
house, is a perfect fit for me. It is fun and challenging, exactly what I
needed with the girls in school. But it is time consuming and can be
exhausting. It’s easy for me to give my best outside our home and have very
little left at the end of the day. I’m
figuring it out, but it is messy.
Saying “no” doesn’t always makes things easier. After two
years of working with the underserved kids in Durumi, it was time for me to
say, “goodbye.” Sunday afternoons are a sacred time in a family and it was time
for me to slow down and be home. That program is a good thing. It is worthwhile
and kingdom building, but it was time. I had to let go, not knowing if it would
continue, but trusting God that if he was in it, that it would. And it did…
I started this post at 5:30 this morning, enjoying the quite
while the rest of my world wasn’t up yet. The time flew and the quite moments
came alive with bleary eyed kids, hot breakfast, packing lunches, a little
scripture, a little prayer and hugs as they ran out the door.
Now the day is in full force following through with
commitments, yesterday’s yes’s. Some good, some I wouldn’t repeat, but all a
part of a plan that I don’t have to know the end of, because I trust the one
who does.
I would love to have my pictures organized, have family
movies ready to view. I would love to have my thoughts organized, precise,
funny, thoughtful – but I don’t and I maybe I never will to my satisfaction.
Still I am learning to say “yes.” Yes, to this crazy, busy, can’t do everything
I want to do life that I can't control and goes way too fast. I'm learning to enjoy the ride, even if I'm not preserving it for history.
Maybe if I wait long enough the girls
will organize the pictures for me.
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